From Wingman to Third Wheel: When It’s Time to Kick Fido Out of the Bed

Image Credit, Renato Laky

Let’s talk about Fido. No, not the loyal ranch dog of yesteryear, but your 12-pound fluffy overlord who’s been hogging half the bed since the day you rescued him. Fido has been your comforter through breakups, Netflix binges, and those lonely nights when the only warm body next to you was a heated blanket. Fido has seen it all. But now? There’s a new contender in the bedroom arena—your potential partner. And honey, it’s time to talk boundaries.

First off, let’s acknowledge the facts: Fido is your ride or die. He’s the MVP of cuddles, the defender of your honor against the Amazon delivery guy, and the reason you haven’t completely lost faith in unconditional love. But insisting Fido keeps his prime real estate in the bed when your new boo is trying to squeeze in next to you? That’s a hard no. Nobody—and I mean nobody—wants to wake up with a face full of fur and the overwhelming scent of kibble breath.

Now, let’s talk about the truly unhinged scenario you’ve been pretending isn’t weird: Fido in the room during the mattress mambo. Girl. No. Fido does not need a front-row seat to your Cirque du Soleil routine. Imagine this poor guy’s confusion as he witnesses the legs-in-the-air acrobatics and the weird noises that do not translate to “fetch” in dog language. No one should have to perform under the judgmental glare of a canine. And don’t even get me started on the panting competition—there should only be one source of heavy breathing in that room, and it’s not Fido.

Let’s face it, your guy signed up for you, not a threesome with a furry referee. He didn’t consent to being side-eyed by Fido mid-kiss, or worse, accidentally brushing against the soggy chew toy Fido strategically left under the covers. And sure, your partner might laugh it off at first, but nobody wants to feel like they’re second fiddle to a five-pound dictator who sleeps like he pays the mortgage.

It’s time for some tough love, sis. Fido needs his own digs. A cute dog bed in the living room, maybe a plush blanket that smells like you—whatever it takes. Trust me, he’ll adjust. Plus, a little distance will make the heart grow fonder (and the bed significantly less hairy). If Fido throws a tantrum and refuses to budge? That’s fine. Close the door. You’re the alpha here—at least, in theory.

And remember, intimacy is about connection, not competing with the sound of Fido scratching himself at 2 a.m. Your partner deserves a shot at your undivided attention, not a romantic evening punctuated by Fido’s disapproving huffs every time the bed creaks. So, draw the line. Kick Fido out of the bedroom, and let your new relationship flourish—fur-free and without an accidental paw to the face mid-smooch.

Because at the end of the day, your partner didn’t sign up to share the bed with you and your emotional support animal. It’s time for Fido to retire from his wingman duties and enjoy some alone time in his own plush paradise. You, on the other hand, deserve to enjoy your newfound intimacy without worrying about who’s shedding on whom.

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