Taken, Not Stirred: Exploring the Absurd World of Browsing Singles While Partnered

Image Credit, Susanne Plank

Oh, ladies. LADIES. We need to talk. You’re in a relationship, happily partnered, and yet here you are. Not on Pinterest, not browsing for the best slow cooker chicken recipes, but on DATING APPS. Checking out single men. You’ve confidently clicked “Single” in your profile settings like it’s a vibe instead of a status. And the kicker? You’ve told your boyfriend. And he’s okay with it?! Girl, blink twice if you need help.

Imagine flipping the script for a moment. Your guy, sitting across from you at dinner, mid-bite of fettuccine alfredo, casually leans in and says, “Babe, just so you know, I’m on Tinder again. Totally not looking to hook up, though. Just, like, seeing what’s out there. Ya know, for the aesthetics.” OH, THE AUDACITY. You’d be dropping that fork so fast, he’d think he proposed by accident.

But here you are, swiping through the sea of shirtless bathroom selfies like, “It’s harmless!” Is it, though?

Let’s dissect this. Your profile likely says:
Bio:
“Not looking for hookups, just here for fun! Happily taken ❤️ but love meeting new people. Swipe right if you have a dog!”

MA’AM. That’s like walking into a Krispy Kreme and saying, “I’m not here to buy donuts, I just want to see how they’re glazed. No taste-testing. Promise.” Absolute oxymoron behavior.

Or better yet, imagine you’re a vegetarian but decide to hit up a steakhouse just to “smell the vibes.” You’re not eating the filet mignon, but you’re there, surrounded by sizzling cow parts, whispering to yourself, “This is fine.”

Now, let’s address the real elephant in the room: what happens if someone catches your eye? What’s the plan here, Captain Chaos? You’re just going to compliment his abs, compare him to your boyfriend, and then exit gracefully? Sure. That’s like walking into Target for toothpaste and leaving with nothing. Lies. We’ve ALL seen the memes.

And don’t get me started on how this makes the single men feel. They’re swiping through the app, hopeful and ready to find their future wife, and they stumble upon you. Miss “Not looking, just browsing.” It’s like putting out cookies for Santa, only for him to arrive and say, “Oh no, just smelling the chocolate chips, sweetie.”

So, ladies, let’s prioritize. You’re either in love with your partner or you’re preparing to be featured on a Jerry Springer reboot titled “She Was Taken But Tinder-Taken!” Pick a lane, and for the love of relationship karma, stop the madness. Or at least change your bio to something accurate, like:
Bio:
“Emotionally unavailable but bored. Swipe if you want to hear about my boyfriend while we match awkwardly. Love long walks on the beach… with him.”

Now THAT’S hilarious honesty.