Time To Ditch The Dating Apps. For A Professional Match Maker

Online Dating Apps: The Emotional Gym Membership You Keep Paying For But Never Use

Ladies, let’s be real. Online dating apps are the equivalent of going on 43 first dates… with your Wi-Fi. You spend hours curating the perfect profile — a photo of you hiking (you hiked once in 2017, but that’s not the point), a clever one-liner like “Fluent in sarcasm,” and your job title reworded so it sounds way sexier than it is (IKEA sales rep becomes “Scandinavian Aesthetic Consultant”). And then… crickets. Or worse, Steve, whose entire bio reads “Hey.”

Now, let’s talk about the joyride. First comes the “Hi beautiful” guy with no photo and an American flag as his profile pic — red flag number one of forty-seven. Then there’s Mr. “I’m here for something casual” who’s already in a relationship with a woman named Brenda but swears they have an “understanding.” And don’t forget Mr. “Crypto King” who wants to “show you how to invest in your future.” Sir, I am already emotionally bankrupt.

And when you finally match with someone semi-human, here comes the loop of doom:
“So, what do you do?”
“Where are you from?”
“Why are you on here?”
Wash. Rinse. Block.

Ghosting? Oh, honey, Casper is real and he’s your entire dating history.
Fake profiles? You’ve been catfished so many times you should start charging admission to your aquarium.
The cost? Let’s break that down:

• $19.99 to boost your profile.
• $29.99 to see who liked you (spoiler: it’s bots).
• $49.99 for “Elite” status so you can get ghosted by guys who wear suits in their photos and still live with their mom.
  Girl, by the end of it, you could’ve put a down payment on a house. Or at least a very luxurious bottle of wine and therapy.

Here’s the real advice: ditch the apps. Delete. Uninstall. Block them like they ghosted you first.

Instead, go to a professional. No, not a shrink — though after dating app trauma, you might want to pencil that in, too. I’m talking about a matchmaker. A real-life human being whose job is to sort through the landfill of nonsense and find you someone who doesn’t say “vibe check” in the first three minutes.

Yes, they cost money — real money. But you know what else costs money? That inner emotional toll when a guy named Blade69 ghosts you after three months of texting. A good matchmaker is like a dating bodyguard. She blocks the weirdos, tosses out the scammers, and finds you someone with an actual pulse, a job, and preferably a car that doesn’t smell like vape juice and crushed Doritos.

So take a deep breath, pour a glass of something strong, and repeat after me:
“I deserve more than a man who says ‘LOL’ as a response to my trauma story.”

It’s time to upgrade your love life from the App Store to an actual human being who gives a damn. Because love isn’t dead — it’s just been buried under a mountain of bots, bros, and bad bios.

And the next time someone says, “Why don’t you try Bumble again?” — feel free to respond, “Why don’t you try minding your damn business?”

Now go forth. Delete the apps. And call a professional — your sanity, your time, and your swipe-weary thumbs will thank you.