Swipe Right for Delusion: Why No Hot, Single Man Wants to Be Your “Just a Friend”

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Oh, so you’re looking for friendship—but only with attractive, single men? You don’t want a boyfriend, a situationship, or even a casual thing. No, you just want a harem of good-looking, available men to hang out with, go on cute outings with, and have deep conversations with over candlelit dinners… strictly as friends.

Listen, Cleopatra, I hate to break it to you, but you’re not building a platonic bachelor mansion. You’re on a dating app, not casting for The Bachelorette: Friendship Edition. No single straight man is signing up to be part of your Emotional Support Handsome Guy Club—not unless he’s secretly hoping you’ll have a spiritual awakening one day and realize he’s actually The One™.

Let’s be real: If a man is good-looking, successful, emotionally stable, and single, he’s probably looking for something a little spicier than a glorified girl bestie. If he’s genuinely willing to just “be your friend,” it’s for one of three reasons:
(A) He’s secretly in love with you and waiting for his moment.
(B) He’s using you as a placeholder until someone actually wants to date him.
(C) He’s into men. And honey, that means he’s not here for you at all—he’s just waiting for you to introduce him to your hot brother.

And don’t even get me started on the “friendship” expectations. You want these perfectly single, attractive, available men to take you to brunch? Text you good morning? Remember your birthday? Listen to your problems? Babe, that’s called dating. The only difference is, you’re hoping to do all that without the commitment, the romance, or the effort of actually liking them back.

If you want real friendship, guess what? You already have friends! They’re called your girlfriends, and they’re probably tired of hearing about how “all men just want one thing” while you keep swiping right on six-foot bankers with strong jawlines who definitely do not want to be your platonic life partner.

Moral of the story? Men are not Pokémon—you don’t get to collect a squad of them just because you like their aesthetics. If you’re looking for a man to be your friend, he’s either taken, not into women, or secretly biding his time like a patient little simp. And if you really think hot, single men are signing up just to hold your purse while you complain about your “bad dating luck,” then, my dear, delusion is a hell of a drug.