Trump Declares War on Wakanda, Genovia, Latveria, Zamunda, Freedonia, Sokovia, Elbonia, Panem, Agrabah, Qumar, and Gilligan’s Island — Says “They’ve Been Very Unfair to the U.S., Folks!”

By: Donovan Martin Sr, Editor in Chief

In what historians are already calling the most ambitious crossover between fantasy and foreign policy, U.S. President Donald J. Trump announced this morning that he has officially authorized the War Department to attack ten nations that don’t technically exist. Standing before reporters, his hair defying both wind and reason, the President thundered, “These so-called countries—Wakanda, Genovia, Latveria, Zamunda, Freedonia, Sokovia, Elbonia, Panem, Agrabah, and Qumar—have been taking advantage of America for too long. We have the best imaginary economy in the world, and they’re not paying their fair share!”

He added, “This isn’t just about trade. It’s about true democracy—the kind where I, the King of the United States, Emperor of the World, decide how other countries are ruled. That’s what freedom looks like, folks.”

According to the newly created Department of Alternate Realities and Trade Enforcement, all ten nations have been slapped with “tremendously big, the best ever” tariffs. Trump insisted that Wakanda’s vibranium exports were “completely unfair” because, in his words, “it’s invisible on paper, just like Hunter Biden’s tax returns.” Genovia, the peaceful land of tiaras and pears, was accused of “currency manipulation and excessive elegance.” Trump declared that Queen Mia Thermopolis “hasn’t sent me a Christmas card once,” adding, “We’re going to sanction her royal diary until she apologizes.” Latveria’s leader, Doctor Doom, reportedly refused to attend peace talks because “Trump kept calling him ‘Doctor Dork.’” Trump responded by tweeting, “DOOM is a LOSER. America has better armor, bigger lasers, and real hair. Sad!”

Zamunda, home of Prince Akeem from Coming to America, was targeted for “exporting too much good humor to U.S. theaters.” Trump claimed it was “an unlicensed cultural import.” When asked to clarify, he muttered something about Eddie Murphy being “part of the deep fake.”

In a move that left the Pentagon visibly sweating, Trump ordered military strikes on all ten nations—plus Gilligan’s Island—citing an “imbalance of coconut trade.” “I’ve instructed the War Department to evacuate the three lovely ladies first—Ginger, Mary Ann, and Mrs. Howell,” he said solemnly. “We don’t want to repeat the Titanic situation. Women first, billionaires later. The Professor can stay. He’s probably working with Fauci anyway.” The President reportedly told generals to “stay far, far away from Epstein Island,” explaining that “it does not make for good press—trust me, I’ve learned the hard way.” He expressed deep sadness that “my very good friend Prince Andrew, wonderful man, tremendous prince, lost his titles. Terrible injustice. I might give him one of mine. Maybe Duke of Diet Coke.”

Trump announced that Elbonia, a country perpetually covered in mud, would face immediate tariffs for “soiling American trade routes.” When a reporter pointed out that Elbonia is fictional, Trump replied, “Fake country, real problem. Believe me.” Panem, home of the Hunger Games, was accused of “harboring socialist tendencies.” Trump claimed, “Katniss Everdeen refused to endorse me in 2020. That’s election interference!” He also promised to build a wall around District 12 and make them pay for it in coal. Agrabah, the desert kingdom from Aladdin, came under fire for “stealing American wishes.” Trump told the press, “We had the genie first, folks. It was in the Declaration of Independence. Life, liberty, and three wishes. Look it up.” Meanwhile, Qumar—a fictional Middle Eastern state—was added to the list simply because Trump “liked the sound of it.” “It sounds like a perfume,” he said. “We’re going to invade it, but tastefully.”

Things took an even stranger turn when Trump shifted his focus to real-world geography. “And another thing,” he bellowed, “from now on, when we write Columbia, it’s with a ‘U’! That’s the American way. People keep saying Colombia with an O—wrong, folks, totally wrong. I like the U, it looks stronger, more patriotic. We’re going to make spelling great again!” Linguists immediately fled the country. When asked if he meant the South American nation, Trump doubled down: “Fake spelling. Sad spelling. We’ll fix it. American spelling for American people. And by the way, people keep talking about Dan Quayle—you know, the guy who couldn’t spell potato. Total disaster. Couldn’t even spell his own name right! Quail, like the bird. And they say I’m the dumb one? I am no Dodo!” He then issued an executive order instructing all schools to teach “U.S.-approved English,” which includes math with no numbers higher than ten and literature that rhymes with Trump.

Reporters described the press conference as somewhere between a stand-up routine and a fever dream. At one point, Trump unveiled a massive map showing all the target nations. Observers noted that the map included Narnia, Mordor, and Bikini Bottom. When questioned, Trump insisted, “SpongeBob’s been dodging taxes for years. Everyone knows it.” A White House source leaked that the attack on Freedonia—the Marx Brothers’ parody nation—was delayed when Trump learned it was “already a democracy.” He reportedly shouted, “Well then they must be cheating!” before turning his attention to Sokovia, which he confused with Slovakia. “Same thing,” he said, “one has nukes, one has noodles.”

Defense analysts have struggled to prepare for the fictional conflict, citing the challenge of deploying troops to non-existent coordinates. One Pentagon official admitted, “We tried to send a drone to Wakanda, but it just bounced off the green screen.”

In closing, the President addressed the world directly: “To all fake countries out there—be warned. America will not be mocked. We are the greatest nation in the history of history. Our imaginary friends will pay dearly. And remember, this is not about tariffs or trade. It’s about freedom. My freedom. The freedom to decide who’s real and who’s fake. That’s democracy, folks. The kind our Founding Fathers would’ve liked—if they had Netflix.” He then added, “And by the way, to all those saying Gilligan’s Island isn’t a real place, I’ve seen the footage. They’ve been stranded for fifty years, and Sleepy Joe still hasn’t sent help. Disgraceful!”

As of press time, the United Nations had not responded to Trump’s declaration, though an anonymous diplomat commented, “We’re still trying to locate Agrabah on Google Maps.” Meanwhile, Disney’s legal team reportedly issued a cease-and-desist letter to the Pentagon, warning that bombing fictional intellectual property “violates multiple licensing agreements.” Fox News quickly ran with the headline: “TRUMP BRINGS PEACE THROUGH WAR—AGAIN.” CNN countered with: “BREAKING: PRESIDENT ATTACKS IMAGINARY NATIONS, CLAIMS VICTORY.”

In a final flourish, Trump tweeted: “Mission Accomplished! Wakanda has surrendered. T’Challa called. Said I’m the real Black Panther now. Huge honor. #MAGAForever.” The tweet was later flagged for “geographical inaccuracy and delusional confidence,” but that didn’t stop the President from declaring the day a national holiday: Victory Over Fiction Day.

And so, as America’s imaginary armies march bravely into storybooks and movie screens, the rest of the world watches in disbelief. Somewhere, deep in the archives of Gilligan’s Island, Ginger and Mary Ann are reportedly packing their coconuts and saying, “We told you this would happen.” Because in the grand saga of history—real or make-believe—truth, it seems, really is stranger than fiction.