Online Dating Tip #406 for Women: Expectations, Unicorns, and Platonic Matrimony

Image Credit, Alexas_Fotos

Ladies, gather ‘round. Today’s tip is for a very special kind of dater:

You’re on a dating app. Your profile says you’re “separated but not legally”—which, let’s be honest, is just a fancy way of saying, “I’m still married but I don’t talk to him unless it’s about the hydro bill.”

You’re in your 50s, your kids are grown, your Bible is well-worn, and you’re proudly putting it all out there:

“Looking for a 100% monogamous, platonic relationship with a God-fearing man. No intimacy. No sex. No kissing. No touching. No holding hands. Just two adults spiritually discovering each other… until marriage. And yes, I’m still technically married, but emotionally I’ve moved on.

Ma’am. MA’AM.

Let’s unpack this.

You’re asking a modern man to:

• Swipe right on a legally married woman
• Enter a strictly platonic relationship
• Follow your religious code
• Offer zero intimacy in return
• And wait until after marriage for any form of action (and by “action,” we mean even a peck on the cheek)

In other words:
You’re not looking for a boyfriend. You’re looking for a celibate monk with a Wi-Fi connection who is cool with dating a woman who’s still married—so long as he’s into intense eye contact and deep discussions about Corinthians.

And don’t forget: this commitment is forever… just as soon as you get around to filing those divorce papers you’ve been procrastinating on since the Obama administration.

Now, let’s be real. This mystery man you’re seeking?
He’s rarer than a unicorn. No—he’s rarer than a vegan Bigfoot wearing a chastity belt reading Joel Osteen under a blood moon.

So unless you’re planning to date via carrier pigeon and call it “God’s timing,” it might be time to:

1. Finalize your divorce.
2. Update your expectations from “monastic pen pal” to “emotionally available human with hormones.”
3. Maybe, just maybe, consider that intimacy doesn’t automatically mean sin—it could just mean someone actually likes you enough to hold your hand without a wedding ring involved.

Because sis, you’re not building a relationship—you’re building a monastery.

Bottom line? If your dating profile reads like a chastity contract and you’re still legally hitched, you might not be looking for love. You might be looking for a pen pal with a Bible app.

So go ahead, keep the faith. But maybe also keep it real. Or be prepared to spend your nights snuggled up with your heating pad and your highlighter—color-coding the Psalms and wondering why no one’s swiping right.

Stay holy, but honey… stay self-aware.