Men Don’t Come with a Decoder Ring (We Ate It in ’92)

Ladies, let’s get something straight:
Men do not understand nuance in dating profiles. Subtle hints? Hazy wording? Vague aspirations with a sprinkle of “seeing where things go”? Nope. That might as well be Morse code to a goldfish.

We don’t have a WWI Enigma machine in our studio apartment. We are not scrolling your profile thinking,

“Ah yes, ‘open to short-term but hoping for a connection that might bloom into something more’ obviously means she wants a stable, monogamous relationship with two kids, a golden doodle, and matching Costco memberships.”

FALSE.
What we do read is:

“Not looking for anything serious.”
And our brains go:
“Aha! She just wants tacos and maybe a few emotionally unavailable cuddles. I can do that!”

But then the date hits us with:

“Actually, I want a long-term committed relationship, spiritual alignment, love languages in sync, and a wedding hashtag.”

Suddenly, we’re doing Parkour out the window like we’re starring in Mission: Avoid Commitment.

So here’s the hack:

Say what you actually want.
Not the cryptic version. Not the astrology-guided-if-Mercury-retrogrades version.
Not the “I’m a Pisces but maybe open to Leo chaos if he has dimples” version.

If you want long-term love, write that. If you want short-term fun, own that too.
But don’t put “open to short-term” and then be shocked when Chad shows up wearing flip-flops and emotional baggage.

Help us out. Be direct. We’re simple creatures.
We like clear signals, tacos, and not being ambushed by wedding Pinterest boards on Date 2.

And if you’re wondering whether we’d still swipe right if you just said,

“Looking for something real and meaningful,”
The answer is: Yes. (At least the guys who are ready for that will.)

Final Word:
We’re not mind readers. We’re just dudes trying to figure out why you say “unsure” and then expect us to propose over a latte.

So drop the code. Drop the mystery.
Be real. Be you. Be hilarious.
And please — for the love of dating apps — don’t rely on 1940s military cryptography to define your relationship goals.