“I’m Just Here to Check Things Out—So Don’t You Dare Message Me!”

Image Credit, MarieXMartin

Let’s paint a scene, ladies. You swipe right on a guy who looks like he might possibly own a clean towel and not live exclusively off Hot Pockets. You’re intrigued. You check out his profile. And there it is—her. The woman from every dating app known to mankind. Her profile reads like a passive-aggressive yoga mat:

“Not looking for anything serious. Just checking things out. Don’t message me. Just here for the vibes.”

EXCUSE ME, MA’AM. What in the soy latte infused contradiction is this?

You’re on a dating app. Designed. Specifically. For people. To talk. To other people. Saying “don’t message me” on Tinder is like showing up to a speed dating event wearing a sign that says “Please respect my spiritual space and don’t make eye contact.” Girl, what exactly are we doing here? You think Cupid is just gonna shoot you with an arrow via Wi-Fi while you ghost-scroll and ignore every message because someone dared say “hey”?

Let’s be real. “Just checking things out” is modern dating code for “I’m emotionally unavailable but I still need the serotonin boost of strangers telling me I’m hot.”

And the kicker? The same women who say “Don’t message me” are usually the ones who write 18 paragraphs about their trauma, their ex, and how they’re manifesting a husband who can “communicate effectively” and “doesn’t play games.” Meanwhile, they’re out here treating Bumble like a haunted house—inviting people in and screaming when someone actually knocks.

It’s like going to the gym just to sit on the floor in Lululemons and eat a donut. “I’m not here to work out, I’m just absorbing the atmosphere.” Girl, no. This ain’t a bakery, it’s a dating app. And no one’s handing out participation trophies for opening the app and treating it like Pinterest for bearded men.

And let’s not ignore the real MVP energy of the line:

“I don’t usually do this…”

You’re literally doing this. You’ve done it enough to download an app, upload filtered photos from five years ago, write a passive-aggressive biography, and swipe left on 4,000 men who dared to wear cargo shorts in public. Honey, you are doing this. You’re not a rare unicorn. You are, in fact, in the pasture with the rest of us, screaming about how no one deserves to ride you.

Let’s call it what it is: saying “don’t message me” on a dating app is the ultimate oxymoron. It’s like showing up to an open mic night and yelling, “No one listen to me, I just needed somewhere to scream into the void.” You want attention. You just don’t want the responsibility of choosing what to do with it.

Also—major plot twist—these women often swipe right on everyone. They want to be matched. They just don’t want to talk. They want to feel adored. Worshipped from afar. They want a full Roman Empire fantasy, but with zero effort, no conversations, and definitely no real plans.

Because what we’ve got now isn’t dating anymore. It’s swipe theater. It’s performance art with a side of internalized chaos. “I’m just here for the vibes” translates to “I’m emotionally tangled up in a situationship with someone who texts me only on Tuesdays, but I need a backup plan.” The dating apps aren’t apps—they’re modern-day coliseums where everyone is shouting “don’t talk to me!” while wearing lip gloss and uploading thirst traps from Mykonos.

Let’s not forget the girl who says, “Just friends.” On a dating app. For dating. In a profile that’s clearly curated like a Vanity Fair spread. Girl, you don’t want friends. You want followers. Just admit it. You want someone to double tap your selfies and tell you your eye shadow looks like the northern lights.

In conclusion, if you’re on a dating app and your bio says:

• “Don’t message me.”
• “Just here to check things out.”
• “Not looking for anything serious, but also tired of hookups and wasting time.”
• “Let’s be friends first, but also I want marriage before 30.”

…then please know that you sound like the human version of trying to order a burger without the bun, the meat, the condiments, or the plate. You’re just air at that point. A beautiful, confusing breeze of unmet expectations and Wi-Fi signals.

So to all the single women out there: if you’re actually not looking for anyone, delete the app. Journal it out. Talk to your plants. But if you’re here, on this pixelated circus of love, at least have the courage to say: “Yes, I am swiping. Yes, I do want to meet someone. And yes, you may talk to me—as long as your first message isn’t just the word ‘hey’.”

Because if you’re “just checking things out,” the rest of us would like to kindly ask you to check out… of the dating app. Preferably before we all match with someone whose only personality trait is owning a motorcycle and spelling “you’re” wrong. Thanks.