Dating Isn’t HR, Sis: You’re the Job, Not the IRS

Okay, let’s just rip the Band-Aid off, shall we? If your online dating profile says, “Before I date a man, he must provide a resume and three references from women he’s dated,” then I need you to take several steps back, turn off the Wi-Fi, and reevaluate your entire hiring—I mean, dating—process. Because what you’ve just done is accidentally turned your Bumble profile into a corporate HR nightmare, and sweetheart, you’re not hiring for the CIA. You’re asking someone if they wanna grab tacos on Tuesday.

Let’s speak your language for a second: analogies. If dating is like job hunting (which, to be fair, it kind of is), then yes—you’re the job. But you’re not Google or Beyoncé’s backup dancer position. No, no. You’ve just made yourself sound like the overbearing manager at a dusty tax firm with a broken Keurig and quarterly panic attacks over toner cartridges. You know the one: always “circling back,” schedules pointless Zooms at 7:00 AM, and says things like, “We’re a family here,” right before slashing PTO in half. That’s you now. That’s the vibe you’re giving.

So let’s unpack this for a second—three references? From exes?? Babe. BABE. Most men don’t even talk to their exes unless it’s to say “Happy Birthday” out of guilt or to co-parent the dog they fought for during the breakup. You want him to reach out to the woman who once lit his Yeezys on fire because he liked a bikini photo in 2017? Good luck with that LinkedIn endorsement.

Also, let’s consider the men who are still friends with their exes and would happily provide references. Newsflash: if he’s that close with his ex, he probably still eats her banana bread and cries when she posts selfies with new men. He’s not giving you a reference—he’s giving you a sequel. You want a man, not a man-shaped attachment issue.

And let’s talk about the poor guy reading your profile. He was just looking for someone to watch Love Is Blind with and maybe share a milkshake—not fill out a PDF and have his ex-girlfriends cold-called like it’s an FBI background check. Now he’s sweating, digging through his Gmail for Stephanie-from-2013’s contact info, wondering if ghosting her after Coachella was a bad idea. Spoiler alert: it was.

This kind of demand doesn’t scream “I value myself.” It screams I micromanage lunch breaks and expect weekend availability with no overtime. You’re not offering a relationship—you’re offering a toxic work culture with mandatory trust falls and monthly reviews on “emotional productivity.”

And let’s be honest—do you really want to be a boss in this situation? You think being a CEO is cute until you’re dealing with Greg from Finance crying in the supply closet because you sent him a passive-aggressive email with the subject line “per my last text.” The love of your life isn’t trying to fax you his credentials. He’s trying to find someone who won’t subpoena his past every time he forgets to text goodnight.

So ladies—please. I beg of you. Before you slap “must submit three ex-girlfriend references” into your bio with the seriousness of a tax audit, take a deep breath, look in the mirror, and ask: Would I apply to me? Or would I throw my phone across the room and take a vow of celibacy in the mountains?

You’re not wrong for wanting accountability. You deserve respect. But if you’re handing out HR forms before date one, just know—you might be a great woman, but you’ve turned your dating profile into a bureaucratic black hole. Swipe accordingly.