Women in a Multi-Partner Universe: Chaos Edition

Image Credit: Samuel Ahounou

Ladies, gather ’round, because we need to have a serious talk about your online dating profile, or, as I like to call it, your digital declaration of “I’m already taken, but also emotionally available… somehow.”

Here’s the thing: you’re nested. Not in the cute bird sense, although, honestly, that might be simpler. You’ve got one partner, maybe two, possibly three. And somehow, in your infinite wisdom, you’ve decided it’s also a good idea to log onto a dating app, throw up your most charming profile photo, and type something like:

“Looking for meaningful connection, emotional depth, commitment, and maybe a guy who can handle the fact that I already have multiple partners.”

Ah yes, the classic “I want the universe but also a single star to orbit me exclusively.” Bless your heart. That is peak poly optimism, right there.

Let’s just pause for a second. Imagine being a guy scrolling through the app. He sees your profile and immediately feels like he’s auditioning for a circus act. Not the fun kind of circus, the kind where you’re juggling flaming swords while riding a unicycle, wearing someone else’s wedding dress, and trying to remember which of the three of you he’s supposed to kiss tonight. And let’s be honest, most guys aren’t exactly signing up for the 10-ring poly trapeze show. They just wanted to meet someone for coffee, maybe talk about their favorite Netflix true crime docuseries, and not get involved in a full-on romantic logistics nightmare.

And that’s the funny part. You’re expecting a man to commit to you, emotionally attach, fall madly in love, and probably memorize everyone’s birthdays — including your pet’s second cousin’s ferret — while already managing a multi-person relationship matrix that would make NASA’s mission control blush. Like, sweetie, where are you finding the hours in the day to foster these epic connections? Do you have a time-turner? Are you secretly a superhero? Because if you are, I respect that, but also… hire an assistant.

Now let’s talk cake. Not metaphorical cake — actual cake would be nice too — but the metaphorical cake of poly dating: you want your cake, your ice cream, the cookie, the cookie store, the bakery, the whole damn dessert aisle. And yes, some men might happily taste-test a cookie, maybe even lick a scoop of ice cream off the cake, but you’re expecting them to sign a lifetime commitment contract to a dessert buffet they didn’t even know existed. And honey, let me tell you, that’s not fair. That’s dessert tyranny.

It’s hilarious, though, because the sheer audacity of it is… well, awe-inspiring. You’re basically saying, “I want the deep, emotionally fulfilling relationship that normally requires monogamy and full-time attention, but I also want to keep my other partners around, like a romantic human version of Pokémon.” And if you find a guy who’s okay with this? Congratulations, you have found a unicorn. Or a man with questionable judgment. Either way, it’s going to be a story for the ages.

But here’s the kicker: most men don’t want this. They don’t wake up thinking, “Yes, today I will pledge my undying commitment to a woman who already has two other men in her life and expects me to memorize their dog’s names too.” They’re swiping through, hoping for someone whose idea of commitment is “let’s meet for brunch this weekend without a scheduling conflict.” Not “let’s build a multi-person relationship ecosystem with emotional depth, shared calendars, and weekly check-ins.”

So, ladies, if your dating profile reads like a legal contract for emotional labor, maybe pause. Take a breath. Consider the comedic brilliance of the situation. The universe is basically daring you to find someone who will love you while simultaneously understanding that love in your world comes with a highly complicated “terms and conditions” page that even a lawyer would have nightmares over.

And the absolute funniest part? You still want him to fall in love with you. You want him to text you first, send flowers, remember your favorite wine, all while keeping in mind that he’s number three — or is it four? — on the love scoreboard. And honestly, that’s hilarious because no one’s ever seen that combination of ambition, emotional chaos, and sheer optimism before. It’s like watching someone try to tightrope across Niagara Falls… wearing a tutu… while juggling cats. And you’re somehow surprised when a few guys panic and step off the rope.

So go ahead, ladies. Update that profile. Make it truthful. Make it funny. Embrace the chaos. Because poly or not, emotionally or romantically adventurous or hopelessly optimistic, online dating is already a circus — you might as well be the ringleader with a microphone, a sparkle cape, and a sense of humor about the whole absurd, beautiful mess.