The Ultimate Dating App Survival Guide for Women: Stop Paying Your Bills With Your Heart

Image Credit: Sally Jermain

Ladies, welcome to the jungle of online dating, where men lurk like confused cats, algorithms judge like passive-aggressive librarians, and somehow your electricity bill has become a main character in your romantic saga. Buckle up, because if your bio says, “The only reason I’m still paying my own bills is because I’m single. That needs to change,” you’ve officially announced to the universe that you are accepting applications for a human ATM. Congratulations, you’ve leveled up from goddess to line item.

Do you know what men are thinking when they read that? “Ah yes, finally—a woman whose primary goal in life is to outsource her hydro. Sign me up!” Newsflash: they are not signing up. High-value men exist, sure, but they’re busy building empires, inventing teleportation devices, or questioning why dogs aren’t running the stock market yet. They are not on Bumble thinking, “Yes, I hope I find someone who lists her overdue rent as a hobby.”

Let’s talk about the myth of “high-value men.” Translation: “I want a billionaire who looks good in a suit, drinks coffee like James Bond, and will pay for my Netflix and existential dread.” Reality: high-value men are not scrolling dating apps like they’re choosing toppings for their pizza. They’re busy creating the future. Meanwhile, men in general? They’re shallow—but beautifully so. They respond to sparkle, energy, and chaos, not invoices and utility statements. Mention overdue bills and suddenly your aura dims to “emergency broadcast: call my landlord.”

Here’s a universal truth: 100% of men do not find bills sexy. None. Zilch. Nada. They don’t swoon over a spreadsheet the way they do over a sparkling smile, a mischievous GIF, or someone who just might spontaneously juggle oranges in the grocery store. Humor is your secret weapon. Want some examples? “I collect fridge magnets like they’re Pokémon—Gotta Catch ‘Em All, obviously.” “I can name 43 types of cheese and silently judge you if you get it wrong.” “My plant-killing skills are unmatched; they die out of respect for my authority.” Notice what’s missing? Bills. That’s because bills are dead weight, like socks that lost their partners in the dryer of life.

Swiping should feel like a merger-and-acquisition deal. You are the CEO, your time is the most valuable asset, and men who are only there for your electricity? Hostile takeovers, my friend. High-value prospects who will genuinely enhance your life? That’s a joint venture, and yes, they exist, but you may need a magnifying glass and a decoder ring to find them.

The final rule: be mysterious. Be the enigma. Be someone who steps out of a dream sequence, not a finance spreadsheet. Leave your hydro, car payments, and existential dread off the table. Let them wonder: Who is this sparkling chaos? Will she steal my fries? Will she laugh at my bad jokes? Will she juggle oranges in the middle of aisle five? Men want a story, not a spreadsheet. They want a goddess, not a bill collector in heels.

Remember: a dating app is your stage, not your tax office. So drop the bills, keep the chaos, and make them gasp, giggle, and maybe question every life choice that led them to swipe right on you. Because if you’re lucky, the only thing they’ll be paying is attention—and maybe for dinner someday, if they’re high-value enough.