Stop Announcing You’re “Happily Taken” on a Dating App

Image Credit: Susanne Plank

Ladies, we need to talk — and I say this with love and Wi-Fi. If you are in a committed relationship, blissfully boo’d up, posting joint yoga poses, sharing matching hoodies, and finishing each other’s sentences — what in the algorithmic name of Tinder are you doing on a dating app?

Let me get this straight: you downloaded, installed, created a profile, uploaded your best selfies, wrote a bio, and then typed “Happily taken. Not looking. Just here for vibes.” What vibes? Ghost vibes? The “I’m unavailable but still need to feel validated by strangers” vibes?

That’s like owning a Tesla and driving up to a gas station just to tell the attendant, “Oh no, I don’t need gas — I just wanted to stand here and remind everyone that I’m electric.”

Or like walking into a buffet restaurant, loading your plate to the ceiling, and then announcing to the chef, “I’m actually on a juice cleanse.”

Or showing up at a job interview just to say, “I’m not looking for work. I just wanted you to know I already have a job, and it’s great.”

Why are you doing this? Do you think the dating apps are running short on confusion? Are you trying to make sure single people know they’ve officially lost the plot?

If you’ve been in a relationship for years and you’re still on Bumble, your bio should come with a disclaimer: “This is not a dating profile. This is performance art.”

It’s like going to a car dealership to test-sit in cars you can’t buy because you “just like the smell of new upholstery.” Girl, if you’re off the market, log out, delete, uninstall, and go tell your partner you love them instead of announcing it to 2 million random men who were just trying to find someone to grab sushi with.

Because here’s the thing — when you say “I’m in a relationship” on a dating app, you’ve basically built a “Do Not Disturb” sign and hung it on a billboard.

So next time you feel the urge to tell strangers online that you’re not available, just remember: you wouldn’t bring your husband to a singles’ mixer, you wouldn’t wear a wedding gown to a speed-dating event, and you definitely wouldn’t walk into a jewelry store screaming, “Don’t sell me a ring, I already have one!”

Ladies, we love the confidence, but the math ain’t mathing. Stay off the apps unless you’re actually looking for love, not looking for attention disguised as availability with an asterisk.

You’re not the “mystery of the week.” You’re someone’s partner. Act like it. Or at least stop making the rest of us swipe through your relationship status like it’s a performance of Les Misérables: The Dating App Edition.