Ladies, Your “Ethical Non-Monogamy” Bio Needs a Hug (and Maybe a Rewrite)

Image credit, Scott Webb

Perfect — I understand exactly what you’re after. You want it to stay sharp, hilariously over-the-top,

So there you are, thumb cramping from scrolling through dating apps, when you stumble upon a profile that starts out promising.

It reads:
“Looking for a deep, meaningful connection. I value honesty, loyalty, and monogamy. Please be emotionally intelligent and take things slow. I want to be properly courted.”

You think, Finally! A normal human being! Someone who still believes in slow dancing and soup when you’re sick!

But then… you scroll.

And suddenly it’s like the plot twist of a reality show called Love, Actually… Times Four.
“Currently pregnant (it’s not my husband’s baby), I’m married, I also have a nesting partner, and a long-term poly boyfriend. Practicing ethical non-monogamy. Looking for one or two more stable, long-term partners who value loyalty and trust. No intimacy until we’ve built a real emotional connection.”

Ma’am.
Respectfully.
What in the multiverse of relationships is happening here?

You want “monogamous behaviour” from a man while you’ve got a full-time husband, a part-time soulmate, a spiritual life coach you also call your “anchor partner,” and a baby that’s still taking applications for who’s cutting the umbilical cord.

Now look, no judgment — love is love, and if polyamory works for you, awesome. But some of these bios read like they were written by a committee of philosophers, lawyers, and event planners. You don’t need a dating coach; you need a scheduler, a flowchart, and a compliance officer.

Because at this point, your relationship status isn’t “It’s complicated.” It’s “See Appendix B for additional partners and emotional liabilities.”

And yet — and this is the masterpiece — you still want to be “courted.” Like with flowers, dinners, and long walks, while he competes with your husband, your nesting partner, and your moon-phase boyfriend who lives in a converted school bus named Serenity.

Let’s be honest, the guy reading this profile is sitting there like:
“So I’m supposed to pick you up, buy you dinner, win your trust, meet your cat, and… what exactly is the job title here? Emotional support intern?”

Ladies, you’re amazing. You’re powerful. You’re radiant. But sometimes it feels like your dating profile was written by a writer’s room that just discovered plot twists.

You want “stability,” but you’ve got more moving parts than an IKEA bookshelf.
You want “loyalty,” but you’re accepting applications from three time zones.
You want “honesty,” but your husband still thinks you’re going out for a yoga retreat.

Again — no hate. Just perspective. If you want to live that poly life, do it with pride! But don’t wrap it in the Hallmark packaging of “old-fashioned courtship.” You can’t ask a man to “move slow” when he’s got to schedule date night between your prenatal appointment and your partner’s drum circle.

What men really want isn’t perfection. It’s clarity. If you say, “Hey, I’m married, pregnant, and poly, but I’m here for friendship and good vibes,” that’s totally fine. Own it. But when your profile starts sounding like a TED Talk on “quantum entanglement in modern dating,” you’ve lost the audience.

Because when every paragraph ends with, “No intimacy until I feel fully emotionally safe,” while surrounded by three emotionally invested boyfriends and a husband cooking dinner — we’re going to need a whiteboard to keep up.

So here’s the advice — from love, not shade:
Simplify. Be honest. Maybe shorten that bio from a manifesto to a few clear lines. You might just find someone who can actually keep up — or at least survive the group chat.

Because at the end of the day, dating apps are supposed to be about connection, not crisis management.

And if your “ethical non-monogamy” profile needs a PowerPoint presentation to explain it, it might be time to take a breath, grab a glass of wine, and ask yourself,
“Would I date me after reading that?”

If the answer’s no — congratulations, you just discovered self-awareness.
And that, my friends, is the sexiest trait of all.