I’m Here to Date, But I Will Not Make the First Move. What Is This—Junior High All Over Again?

Ladies. Let’s have a come-to-Jesus moment. If you’re opening your Bumble bio with “I’m not messaging first,” let me gently remind you: this isn’t a Sadie Hawkins dance in 1952. This is the gladiator arena of modern dating apps, where indecision is death and ghosting is a national sport.

You’re out here trying to meet your soulmate but waiting for him to message first? What is this, a middle school snowball dance where the boys are on one side of the gym smelling like Axe body spray and fear, and the girls are just standing there hoping to be picked like nervous vegetables in a salad bar?

Get with the program. These men have the attention spans of squirrels and enough options to fill a football stadium with women who know how to use emojis and shoot their shot. If you think sitting pretty and playing Cinderella is going to work on Tinder, you better have a glass slipper, a six-pack of charisma, and the algorithm on your side—because otherwise, you might as well be swiping for the thrill of carpal tunnel.

Think about it. Some guy could’ve zoomed past your profile because he didn’t know you were the one. But what if you’d messaged him first? What if all it took was a witty opener like, “So, do you also lie about your height or just your hobbies?” Boom—match made in dating app heaven. But nope, you waited. And now he’s out there talking to Ashley, whose only talent is using baby filters and saying “vibes” unironically.

Making the first move doesn’t mean proposing marriage or asking him to move in with your three cats and kombucha starter. It means typing “Hey” or, if you’re feeling spicy, “Hey, what’s your credit score?” That’s it. That’s the bar.

So go on. Make the move. Start the convo. Be bold. Be funny. Be the woman who doesn’t wait for love to tap her on the shoulder like it’s shy. Because newsflash: if you’re standing in the corner waiting to be noticed, all you’ll get is cramp in your thumb and a lifetime subscription to “still single.”

Swipe like a queen. Message like a boss. And if all else fails—download Duolingo, because it’s going to be just you and your parrot for a while.