I Don’t Believe in Networking. I Believe in Getting to Know People.

The word “networking” makes most people’s stomachs turn. It conjures images of hotel conference rooms, aggressive business card swapping, and awkward, forced conversations in which everyone is subtly looking over their shoulder to see if there’s someone more important they should be speaking to.

If that’s your mental picture of networking, you can’t be blamed for resisting it. Undoubtedly, active networking has its place in job searching, just not to the extent self-proclaimed career coaches want you to believe.

I don’t believe in networking. I never have. I believe in something far more practical, rewarding, and effective: getting to know people. Shifting your focus from a process to a person changes everything.

When you shift your mindset to having no agenda other than simply learning about the person, fear of rejection evaporates. Networking treats people like stepping stones or checklist items; getting to know someone treats them like a destination. You aren’t pitching; you’re exploring. You aren’t trying to extract an immediate favour or engineer a shortcut. Ironically, once you stop treating people like vending machines where you insert a conversation and expect a job lead to appear, your job search and career trajectory will start to flourish. However, you need to change your definition of success.

Think of it as planting a seed rather than hunting for immediate prey. When you hunt, you’re desperate for a quick kill, and people can smell your desperation, which is an instant turnoff. When you focus on getting to know someone, you’re planting a seed for a relationship that grows naturally. You don’t ask a seed to feed you the day you put it in the ground; you cultivate it with genuine curiosity, which is more powerful than you might think.

The show-interest approach centers on a fundamental human truth: showing interest in someone is a powerful gesture. In a world where everyone is seeking attention, giving someone your undivided attention is the ultimate differentiator. It’s rare, it’s flattering, and it makes you incredibly memorable. Demonstrating genuine interest in someone’s professional and personal journey is an ultimate compliment. People love to talk about themselves, and they remember the few who actually listen.

In a 2024 UC Berkeley article, Why You Need to Expand Your Professional Network, Dr. Julia Schaletzky perfectly captured this dynamic: “A big part of networking is helping others; it lays the foundation for a reciprocal, mutually beneficial relationship. And it is ideal to develop a strong network in times when you can give to others, so people are ready to help when you need it—for example, in case of a sudden layoff or life change.”

Dr. Schaletzky’s insight hits the nail on the head. Relationship-building must happen before desperation sets in. It’s your ego’s sense of entitlement that leads you to expect a stranger to clear a path for your career, even though you haven’t taken an interest in theirs. Strangers owe you nothing. Approaching someone you’ve just met, let alone someone you don’t know, with an “I want something” attitude is likely to get you ghosted. You need a different conversational strategy, one that treats conversations as a discovery process, not an interrogation or a sales pitch.

When you meet someone for the first time, ask yourself the networking tip I often share: “How can I help this person?” Determining how you can be of help begins with asking open-ended discovery questions about their personal and professional realities.

Rare is a Saturday morning, weather permitting, when my longtime golf partner and I aren’t teeing off at our local course. Most of the time, we’re paired with another golfer or a twosome we’ll be spending the next four hours with. To get to know them personally and professionally, I don’t pitch myself; I ask low-pressure discovery questions.

First, I break the ice: “How long have you been golfing?” “Have you played this course before, or do you have other local favourites?” Next, I pivot to the personal: “Do you live nearby?” “Where are you from?” “What brought you to this city?” Finally, I transition into the professional arena: “What do you do for a living?” “What led you to your career?” “What’s the most challenging aspect of your job right now?”

Notice that none of these questions asks for a job or an internal referral. Instead, they focus solely on the other person. By adopting this curiosity-driven approach—whether on the golf course, waiting in line to be served, or on a long flight—I’ve significantly broadened my professional network, received job offers, and gained numerous freelance opportunities. As I’ve noted in past columns, job opportunities are all around you; the caveat is that they’re attached to people.

Making it a habit to get to know people leads to several profound outcomes:

• Trust replaces impersonal transactions.

• Career opportunities arise naturally.

• Job market intelligence is gained.

• Your professional reputation grows organically (you become known).

• You leave memorable, lasting impressions.

Write a new internal script about networking. Drop the transactional mindset. Be solely interested in getting to know your fellow human beings. My experience has proven one undeniable truth: staying open-minded, asking discovery questions, and actually listening open doors that no resume could ever unlock.